Serving as a volunteer caregiver for Zen Hospice, is one of my life’s greatest blessings. Far from being a hardship, the experience has been a series of lessons in better living.

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Here is what the dying have taught me so far:

1. Be real.

Emulate the dying who don’t have time to waste in false talk. Death approaching brings a sense of urgency that can serve the rest of us just as well. Why not speak your mind and your heart? Why pretend? Why be polite when you don’t mean to? Why lie to yourself, or others? The gift of realness will serve not just yourself, but others around you also. It makes for deeper, more truly loving relationships. The kind, that makes life worth living.

2. Be grateful for everything.

This requires a mental shift, realizing we can take nothing, absolutely nothing for granted. As in the fact that I am able to type these words on the keyboard right now, and see the letters dancing on the screen, and smell the incense burning on my desk, and not feel pain in my body, and enjoy the full capacity of my mind, and not being tired, and being able to sit up straight, and not having to wear a diaper, and being able to breathe freely, and knowing that I can get up if I want to, and that I don’ have to rely on others for the littlest things . . . Lowering the bar of our expectations, to almost nil.

3. Take time to love.

Without exception, the questions that preoccupy the dying the most, almost always revolve around love and relationships. Did I love well? Am I at peace with all my loved ones? Have I caused harm? How can I bring reconciliation into my life? The implications are clear. Why wait until it is too late? Instead, make time to address all the wrongs in your life, and make it a priority to love well from now on. Do not let work, or the pursuit of material things distract you from what really matters.

4. Do not be afraid.

When seen up close, our greatest fear, the fear of death turns out to be more a product of our imagination than grounded in reality. Death is a very natural phenomenon, just like birth. Do not shy away from it. Volunteer for your local hospice, and be with your loved ones when they die. You may gain a calmness that has eluded you before.

5. Just be.

We are so used to busying ourselves all the time. Sitting at the bedside of someone who can no longer move, or speak, or do anything, makes our habitual ways irrelevant. There is nothing to do often in a hospice ward, but sit, and breathe, and be present for the people there. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn. And probably the most valuable also. I always come out of my shift feeling more calm, more grounded, and more whole.

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